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He is taking you farther away from God, and Jesus knows that and forgives us for divorcing these creatures! Personally, I would rather be forgiven for a divorce, where in my singledom I can get back to God, than trapped with someone who will make sure I never grow spiritually. Good luck hun and God bless. He sees you and knows your agony. Very well written…this article has summed up my relationship perfectly. So worried about the impact he will have on our children in the future as they grow older, but by leaving the relationship, I know they will have one healthy, stable primary parent.
Marie, I could have written your reply myself. Left after 20 years. Of course he has helped that opinion along by telling everyone how I have hurt him and our children. Kathy, Can you seek some support to talk this through with a good therapist. You can change your thinking and feelings aroound this, make your own decisions based on what skills you can develope to deflect hurtful projections and manage to have some relationship with your Grandies…. All power to you. Yoga can also help that self strengthening, focusing on the inner nurturer, only responsible for one self and accepting that change comes from within and what is around us just is and not our responsibility.
Hope this helps. There are so many resources on line! Dig in and find the ones that ring true for you! HE may be grieving and depressed but you cannot change him, only yourself. Get some support or your self esteem will drown in this relationship. It only gets worse with time and if you bring children into this. Get help. Tonight at work I showed one of my friends at the vindictive little tricks the other girls are doing to me. She could not believe how petty and childish they are. My friend could not believe how they come to work to be such babies.
I dumped him after another tantrum in which involved me called be police and later on him blaming me! For months he sent love songs, texts even flowers, never had flowers even after our kids were born, no note though with them! Wow not even introduced her to the kids! Then the random stuff begins, once maybe twice a month a email of nothing but a jar of sweets or something else! Then social media, the endless pics of them posing looking so happy!! Then the texts telling me he met a famous guy at the weekend!
Yes and???? I was wondering if he was trying to manipulate me or possibly triangulate?? The damage was done. Carried over into my relationships. I almost married another narcissist. He left me after a year with no explanation. Just got up and left. He came back 4 yrs later.
Out of supply. Fast forward 4 yrs. Met another man. Within a month, I discovered him cheating but I stayed. I was hooked. He was a liar — an alcoholic — cheap — selfish — stingy — unreliable — and I stayed anyway. I was addicted to the bad boy. I married him. I thought if I brought stability to his life — organization, etc. Then the real abuse started. Rather than appreciate my contributions — he took advantage of me and escalated his demands. He threatened to smash in my face, took up with another woman when out of town and I was having surgery, was neglectful, never gave me a dime — had to beg for grocery money — and the kicker..
I left. For Good. He was sucking the life out of me. He was killing my spirit.. I WAs exhausted, confused, sad, lonely, isolated, and ignored. Moved back to the house I still owned that my daughter was living in.. I am going to be 66 yrs old. I apologize to ME for abusing ME. I am valuable. I am lovable. I am a human being.http://kajesabz.com/includes/2832-cyber-monday-deals.php
The Case for Working With Your Hands
THEY are hollow. Save yourselves and leave. Kay, you strong Blessed self: Celebrate that you have a soul and spirituality, when those who need to prey on others do not: They set up organised religions and all things controlling. Well done free spirit. Hello- Kay, you are right, they ARE hollow; hollow empty souls. I told my oldest sister one day about 8 months ago that she was a sad empty soul. She looked angry and confused and slammed door. I believe she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I will be moving soon working on plan She has bullied me and emotionally abused me and denies it.
Cycle repeats. She lies, does things intentionally to irritate me, make me annoyed, even sick I get migraines from fragrances and smells, etc I am sick, so stressed I get migraines almost daily. We are stuck in house, no transportation. And she complains how hard she has it. Wanted to share my story cause these leeches can also be family members and not just romantic partners. Keep a stoneface. It works. My Father was a narcissist — nasty, abusive, and a horrible role model.
Ruined every relationship I ever had — men and women. I was so bitter and angry that anyone could treat me so badly for NO good reason! So I do have experience with that, too. Stay strong!! No amount of pleading, reasoning, negotiating, crying, anger.. Just try to avoid her. I wish you well and know.. She will never be. Kay- I think you meant to address your last post to me, Christy, not Rhonda? These last 5 days with my sister gone on vacation have been so great! I dread her coming back.
I have recently completed a 4 day workshop on Resolving Vilification. It answered so many questions about the Physical, psycholigical emotional, financial, eduational and professional and social IMPACT of the Narcs who target and vilify addictively. I learned of the physical impact this abuse has on the human brain and hence the body, autoimmune system and so much more. I have finally found a way to begin to actually heal in lieu of dragging a dark debilitating cloud around in my life. I too keep getting calls to my mobile cell. They are coming up as a private number. I think it is him hoovering in the hope that I will call and ask if he is sending me calls.
Hell will freeze over first. Mel x. Found this website after breaking up with abusive narcissist, and getting hoovered the next day. If u would like a support buddy, perhaps we could be supportive of each other. I know already a lot abt this stuff, but got conned anyway. I would be happy to dialogue, if u choose.
Thank u.. Sincerely Suzanne. I was doing great, then felt so lonely last weekend. My tire blew out on the highway, and I called him — big mistake. It was a total con game for him. He is a classic narcissist. Thinks only of himself and what he wants. I was to blame for all his money problems and general life problems, so therefore he required that I support him both emotionally and financially. Awful, awful relationship.
Why did I stay in it so long? Thanks to all for your comments. It has made me really mad — mad enough to have the energy to start my own business and become very, very, wealthy. Hi all, I am day 8 of NC with my ex, well sort of I work in a pub so was waiting for the inevitable show of face as this has always worked in getting me back in the past, this always being after a disappearing act plus 3 or 4 days of the silent treatment to which I never try to contact him. But after yet another silent treatment and him knowing I was out with friends I received a text from him saying basically he wanted to end it all and he would see me in another life!
Of course I responded… He has a cocaine habit which he blamed all the lying, cheating, paranoia, disappearing acts on, everything he ever done was down to his drug problem and to a point i wanted to believe it was the drugs too.. He begged me to help get him off it and his words no mine have a normal life and all our troubles would be over… Not! I told him the last tine we got back together, the next time you leave will be the last time you come back! And this time I mean it! Hi I purposely turned up on your shift today just to make sure your not over me and heartbroken.. Im actually on my very own rollercoaster of manipulation and its the perfect cover for treating you like shit on a daily basis for trying to stand by me and support me for the idiot you are.
I did not respond and deleted it.. This is my new trick, read what he actually means not what he has written… This and all your comments on here are what are keeping me going.. My narcissist used those tactics on me ALL the time and I fell for it over and over. That kind of response is meant to make you feel guilty and make you feel sorry for him. I believe they are naturally good at this. Like you said. Be free. Be happy. Missing him will fade in time. Just give it time. Thanks again for your support,, I have friends but they just think I need to get over it..
Ange, Let the money go — and let him go. He will never change. I thought things would change when he got a better job — nope — he got a better job and he still expected me to pay his way! In fact, he wanted to show me the beautiful blinds he installed at a trendy bar, so we went there in my car, my gas, and I bought him a very expensive beer and myself one drink. Read about how to get over a breakup.
Walk away. Let it go. And I will do the same. It takes time. Take the time and let him go. Best, Rose. Again Rose thank you for your kind words and support… your story is my story even down to everytime we stepped out the front door I came home with a much lighter purse…! I hope you get through this soon.. I too hated the feeling of being drained all the time and knew that it was him making me feel this way.. He came into my life with nothing and left the same way!
My mind boggles. I wen thru this exercise where u write down every negative thing about him and I just kept writing and writing. He has really done some cruel mean shit to me. He once broke a wine bottle and 2 glasses on the street, drove my car 90 mph and threatened to wrap the car around a pole, unless I gave him all the money in my wallet ALL BC I joked about how he never keeps a job in front of one of his friends. He did this after I had paid for appetizers and drinks for all of us- It was so blatantly obvious!
I think of this and wonder how could I want to see him after this, but I did. So, my advice is it will be hard, but try to do the no contact thing. I feel better every day and so relaxed. What I just described was only one episode of many. I could write a book and I just might! Best wishes. Remember no contact is best! I just want this all to be over.. And also, your friends and even family will not fully understand! But there is plenty of support here and on-line.
Just google how to move on after a breakup. There is a ton of help out there and of course there is personal therapy which I used while I was IN the relationship with him. I know now, the moving on and healing is all up to me. It is almost physically debilitating. We tend to only remember the good parts. Best wishes, Rose. Haley, Tell me what happened.
I want to text him so bad. I wake up crying almost daily. I feel like a zombie must feel — half alive and half dead. There must be something wrong with us, some insecurity to want to be with a person like this. He still blames me and says I treated him ugly. So, yeah I said some ugly things to him. Pray for me. Pray for us. Just got a shot of reality. It was discard 3 when I finally came upon narcissistic abuse. This past June I ended the relationship.
I have been no contact ever since 5 months. I have blocked him from my phone, texts, all social media and up until recently all emails go straight to the deleted folder I was told to put them in another folder in case I needed them for legal purposes. I have still remained silent.
When will this end? Why did I have to fight myself to not respond to the first email blaming me for the relationship not working? I have been no contact for 7 weeks. Yes always my fault. I told him to leave which was a struggle for me. Then came by my house again a few weeks later to flaunt two very young girls in the car with him.
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Every day is a struggle for me. Effects my entire life. I just want to forget it ever happened. He is selfish plays the blame game is a complete ass to me and then begs forgiveness. Now he wants another go and says we should try counciling together. Im thinking this is another ploy to get me to take him back. I started the no contact but we have a child together and are not divorced or legally separated yet.
The threats of taking my son and the very few things I have left have me living in fear. What do I do? I work hard but barely make ends meet. I think to him it felt like he was in college. But I am really trying to do this the most peaceful and mindful way possible.
Some advice? My sister is a narcissist who has caused me, and my husband, a lot of grief. For some time, without us realizing, she told lies about us to the others in the family who believed her even though I was eventually able to prove she was wrong. Sis is jealous because she lives near to mom so has to do more to look after her whilst I do what I can, visiting and having mom to stay when possible, as well as phoning every day and helping with her finances. But she has publicly, to my other siblings, unjustifiably accused me of not doing enough to help and is winding them up to agree with her nastiness.
In the meantime, when she is is the mood, she is sweetness and light, pretending that nothing has happened and that all is well, hoovering away to keep in with me. This article is very helpful. I have narcissistic, emotionally abusive parents. At the age of 31, I am still feeling like a scolded child just for having stood up for myself, not allowing them to cross my boundaries and undermine my parenting. These are just a small scale model of an example. To go in detail, I feel wpuld be a trigger for some.
I finally said no more on Friday, and my weekend consisted of my mother and my father telling me I am a bully, that I am aggressive, abusive and have anger problems or that I am having mood swings as they always do when I stand my ground, try to set boundaries or even just have my own point of view. When I did not accept that they started accusing my husband of being abusive, and making me move interstate just to keep me isolated amongst other horrid accusations, When I was the one that made the call to move away! Then I realized, they are projecting.
They were the ones who made move away from everyone I knew, the town I grew up in to a place where I was isolated. I had noone. And when I did they accused them of the same. I also realize why they have gotten under my skin for this long. I recalled all the problems they had with my siblings, that they poisoned me to think was not my parents fault. They did the same to my siblings in different levels, and they no longer have any contact with them yet they still refuse to claim responsibility for.
They will never change and my life will never improve while they have their claws in. In short, this article has been a helpful tool and my experiences have inspired me to want to study psychology so I can help others as well as myself. Raven — I am glad the article was helpful for you I have written more on the subject, listed under my profile.
Good luck, Raven — it is so much worse when it is your parents doing this sort of thing, people who should love and protect you. You will find love from your husband and others who know you as the good person you are. We had beautiful times together but bad too. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and pharma medicated as well as self medicated with marijuana. I lost myself in his ways. I am now seeing the truth. I fell for the hovering. Oive letters love songs words of sorry and more God and prayer.
Only to see again that he walks the path of attention seeking. He took a job in another state and it all happened again.
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I have now taken the no contact approach. It is very difficult.
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I miss the good times. Then I remember the bad. How does everyone cope? At a loss and so sad. Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of the difficulty you are experiencing. The GoodTherapy. Speaking to a therapist or counselor can be helpful when moving forward after any breakup but may be especially recommended when a relationship was abusive. You can find a list of therapists practicing in your area through our website.
Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search. When I did that he burnt my house down with me in it it escalated the minute I found it and he called me immediately. I know a lot of people that are going to the same thing I am and the minute they found no contact or restraining order escalated so please find something else for us to do besides a restraining order.
I never respond immediately. No amount of common sense is understood so I answer with absolute rubbish. His relationship status has not deterred him. If I block him he comes to my home which is worse. Keeping him in his current relationship at all costs. How can you forgive yourself to have done what you have sworn to not do what has been done to you? I was discarded three months ago by someone who exhibited almost all of the characteristics of a narcissist after he admitted to being in a relationship with someone while in a relationship with me.
I recently heard they were no longer together. Two days ago I received an email from him apologising for the despicable way he treated me, that I was a wonderful loving trusting who deserved to be happy. He said he has had to take a hard look at himself and how he has treated women. He said he had now taken responsibility for the pain and upset he has caused. He wished me a happy life and said he hopes I will find a wonderful man who will take care of me and treat me me with the love and respect I deserve.
Can this be considered a hoover if he did not want anything from me nor seem to want to get back into my life? Could he at 65 had an epiphany and developed a conscience? I went through it all with him, the silent treatments, lying, cheating, anger if I dared say anything, been discarded suddenly without a word, ignored, blocked and unblocked on fb etc etc.
So how is it possible that he wrote these wonderful sounding words. Can anyone tell me what it means? I would say this is most definitely hoovering, the classic symptoms. It just sounds too good to be true that he can have had such an epiphany. Just my opinion, for what its worth.
The best of luck, Mira. I sometimes wonder if the last guy I dated was narcissistic. I experienced the love bombing. He played victim, been cheated on, told me the first date he fought his ex in court to see his son. He spent money like it was nothing, seemed to want everyone to like him. He abruptly ended it with me by text with a very poor excuse. Was cold and heartless.
Dirty Work: Screwing My Shrink
No sorry nothing. Thanks Milly. Sigh, I wish I could eradicate the feelings for him in my heart. I certainly see the wisdom in no contact. That email of his has set me back and I was doing so well. It might help to give you more resolve, if you need it! Thank you Milly! I need all the help I can get. The answer, truly, is simply because narcissists are empty voids. They need narcissistic supply to emotionally exist.
They tend to keep multiple sources of supply as backup, the same way crocodiles store pieces of meat under rocks when other food supplies fall low. That sounds like good news! I often go back and re-read them just to keep myself focused, having gone no contact with a toxic family member. I think this all part of his game. He has to have narcissistic supply, whether that it positive or negative — he just needs to know that he is having an effect on you of some sort and he will only get that if you give a response. At the moment he is testing the waters to see if he can worm his way back into your life.
If you reply with something encouraging, he may well attempt to get back into your life physically as well as mentally. You may have seen this article but it describes quite well the cycle. Perhaps there is someone else on this forum with similar experiences to Mira who can advise her that this will work? Zari Ballard who has written the most wonderful articles on narcissists explains that the reasons they hoover is to preserve supply in case of need and also to ensure the victim never moves on from the pain they caused. This could well be the answer to my particular case.
I can only reiterate what the experts say to go no or minimal contact — the latter for when children are concerned. Strength and resovle to us all to cut contact with the nightmare in order that healing be possible. If only the manipulations of these people were more widely known and condemned. Good luck, Mira. It was horrible. At first I felt like a queen. As time flew by things became bad. Although I blame myself because I should have left a long time ago.
He has lied about his whole life, later finding out he has a girlfriend of 8years. He also blamed me for that, for his girl finding out. Even thought she called me. I never knew of her. I went all summer without talking to this man. I was depressed all summer. Spent weeks in my room. I lost my job. I recently got a new job on Sunday. He came in yesterday and started some issues. Somehow I hate this man but wanna run to him for help.
I feel hopeless. Hi Goldiiee, This man sounds awful. He has lied to you and sucked you in — you can never trust him again. He needs you because it makes him feel powerful. Now you must take back that power and look after yourself. Break all contact with him, even if he begs to see you again.
The Case for Working With Your Hands - The New York Times
Find someone who is kind, empathetic and genuine, perhaps someone nearer your own age who does not have so much personal history but try not to unload all your woes onto a new man or you will seem needy and put him off! Read some of the articles mentioned in the comments above — they will give you strength. Look after yourself. Hoover Maneuver just got done reading about it.
Now I do. I had my space. My own space. Least I have a backup if they show up at my doorstep unannounced. My sister expects me not 2 smoke, drink or swear around her daughter and you can bet I will do all three. Maybe even run around my home nude just to embarrass the heck out of her prudish ways. It is very hard to understand while you are going through the motions with these kinds of people, especially when you know nothing of the personality disorder. A few things I learned from my experience is… Research, research, research- the more you know the better and stronger you get.
Get back to being yourself. You are not the person you once were. You most likely will never be that person again but you can get pretty darn close. Remember- Time does heal a lot of things…give it time. These sharks will suck the very life from you. What is it about leave me alone do they not understand?
I told my ex that I was done with the lying oh, that was prolific, the cheating, the gas lighting, are they stupid as well as devoid of any human traits?
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Understand this I do not want you in my life. Go away and stay away. Yes they truly are sharks. I bet if they knew they were even being discussed in forums like this it would ignite them and make them feel like they still have a grasp on us. I have been researching my situation for months as I have never encountered something like this in my life.
We were together for 5 years prior to our Marriage of 1 year. He hardly gave any affection. Never happened. He started bringing his exes into the picture, locked his phone regularly, and would even take it to the bathroom with him. In the middle of the nights, his phone would light up repeatedly. I believed all this, to a point. After work one day, he told me about a beautiful home he found in another town. He did contact me and asked if I could bring him his clothes. There is so much more pain I endured, but this is a few. I will never understand how someone could hurt another human being in this matter.
The past 6 years I have been living a lie. My one and only marriage I ever wanted in my life is now a nightmare. I will continue to pray for healing for everyone that comes in contact with these types. Interesting… I got the same message from his first ex wife. I was so blind. He put a restraining order on me for texting and calling. I guess I was interrupting his affairs. I was trying to figure out what went wrong. Like I said in my post before,we just signed a brand new home, all the bills in his name,and I was lost.
He never talked to me about any of it. The judge granted him the restraining order for a year. You have got to be kidding me! Guess I was chopped liver. I was going through so much depression and the judge made it worse. He is now living at an unknown location so I have no clue how to get divorced from him without a lawyer. Numerous e-mail accounts and profiles on dating sites. He preferred to masturbate than have sex with me. That was finish for me. Show him your not weak. It hurts like hell and hard for many to truly understand it. I recall my own teenage daughter asking how old is he?
He would treated to leave me for nothing.
He had the balls to say to my daughter about my late husband her daddy.. What a POS. But they are already falling in love with him, in the end he successfully cutting off my source of support. Yet he is keep trying to contact me, every time I do it is exhausting. Then finally my sexual abused experiences come out to light after all the time he begged me not to tell anyone, I told one of my far relatives who provided temporary safe place for me to hide. But now lately they pressed me again asking when will I get over my trauma of him.
This relating to my pregnancy as I am in my last term and I need to prepare myself welcome him in my life again. I just need to mentally prepared my self for the storm that will be back again to my life. My wife initiated the no contact with a restraining order. Finally after four months the hoovering is starting. She just started answering the phone now when I have my scheduled calls to my kids. She is also emotionally reaching out to my mother, via phone calls and letters.
I am asking my mother not to give me details. She is obviously wanting communication with me for some purpose or other, but apparantly does not want to drop the order, or even have it modified. She is too proud to do that. This is for mjdsqt: Honesty. My son wants me 2 have a relationship with my sister and brother but neither of them are interested to see a therapist, only excuses suffice.
If she keeps pursuing you please consider hiring an attorney for stalking. I had to x my family out of my life because their niceness was so phony and not welcomed by me. See a therapist, I do and I look forward to becoming less dysfunctional and more functional. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose to do. I have no idea if my bf is a narc.. HE discart me after i made a comment on his behaviour. He sort of snapped but not in front of me. Squirting patient Cherry Kiss rides her therapist's cock with her asshole. Rachel Starr, sex therapist. Marilyn Chambers The Sex Therapist.
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